Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Common Sense?

My husband decided today was his day to be an asshat. At one point, he told me, "Come on, use your common sense."

WHA??? Um. Yeah. Because my little Monkey was still awake and swinging from the trees around us, I kept my cool. I think this makes me pretty amazing in the realm of temper-control. I used to be not-good at this. I've worked at it. I try to apologize when I realize I'm being a bitch, and then spend most of our 'discussions' trying not to lose my schmidt and get Hubby to work toward a resolution instead of being stuck in fight mode. It.is.exhausting. I need him to effing step up and stop being nasty. I mean, we are in our mid-30s and it's time to get past being hateful. Really.

After I nicely refused to speak to him for a couple of hours, he apologized for being mean. BUT (there's always a 'but') he said he was upset because I was mean to him. Wahhh-wahhh. Curious about my nastiness? Ready? This is how it went down:

Me: I made dinner, so you're on clean-up duty.


Him: Huff. Stomp. Pout.


Uh-huh. It was because I asked him to.clean.the.dishes. Mean, aren't I? Bossy, too. The thing is, I own my bossiness, but this time I wasn't being mean or bossy, he was being a big ol' baby.

I told him as kindly as possible to suck it the eff up and get the chip off his shoulder. Surprisingly, this didn't go over so well. Turns out I'm tired of being the bigger person. . . oops.

Monday, August 29, 2011

Learn my name. . . Bitch.

My uncle died. It sucked. He got dealt a crap hand when it came to his heart and eventually his luck ran out. That, however, is not the subject of this post. The subject of this post is that my mother-in-law sent a sympathy card. Cue audience "awww." Yeah. Not so much. You see, the card was addressed to Carie Huffenstuff--my MAIDEN NAME. Certainly she just got mixed-up, had a 'blonde moment' (the hubs and I are convinced this is what she'll say) and forgot that I'm MARRIED TO HER DAMN SON? Yeah, I don't buy that, either. The card actually read "Carie Huffenstuff & Family." Uh. . . like she isn't sure of the 'family.' I mean she also sent a card to my mom, so who else is included in that term? I'm fairly certain the real message is:

Dear Daughter-in-Law, I want to make it abundantly clear that you aren't actually a Martini, and what better time than to kick you when you are down? I know you might think you are actually part of our dysfunctional, destructive family unit, but you would be wrong. I want to send this insult in conjunction with a thoughtful gesture, so that it can easily be written off as a mistake.
Love,
Mama Martini



If I were to get this message, my response might go something like this:
Dear Monster Martini,
While I am proud to be the wife of your son, I am a-okay with not being apart of your furked-up family unit. As a matter of fact, I much prefer it that way. The use of my maiden name reminds me of how great my parents are and how appreciative I am that you are half a continent away.
Sincerely,
Monkey's Mommy, Wife to Hubby, and still using the last name Martini, no matter how much you hate it.


What would your response be to such a slight?