So my husband and I have these friends. . . well he has the friend, and I have the wife. Lucky me. Early in our relationship I learned that she and I have nothing in common. Zero. Zilch. (except both working in child-focused careers) I like to refer to her as "Vanilla," which translates to "Boring-as-Hell." After the first few awkward social gatherings (my own personal hell), Hubby was threatened to never again go off and do "boy things" in the garage, leaving me and Vanilla to do "girl things" by ourselves. Fortunately, with life moving the way it does, we rarely see this couple, and with kids around it is far more likely that Hubby sees Husband-of-Vanilla by himself. I am okay with that. Soooo okay.
Vanilla ended up on the reading list of my nicey-blog. I think I felt bad for being such a bitch when she is truly a kind person and wakes up shitting rainbows and stuff. I try not to read it because it's all about how great life is and how great God is to bless her in her all-white, prosperity doctrine, subservient woman, gay-bashing Bible church world. Gag.
Naturally my attention was snagged today when her post read "First Day of Homeschool" and was complete with first-day pictures in front of their house, pictures of ABC snacks, and stories of calendar time on the front porch. She "can't wait to do it all again tomorrow!" Really? Why is it that the Bible-churchers feel the need to home-school? Call me crazy, but isn't the purpose of theirevangelical denomination? So that they can send their privileged, lily-white children to school with the heathens and general brown kids and show them how if they believe God will give them money, a house in suburbia, a mommy who stays home while daddy goes to work, and playgroups galore with other lily-whites and desperate housewives? Oh, and the security of knowing that the real world means everyone gets a ribbon, all kids are that smart and that if you believe in God and follow all prescribed rules you get to lead the same charmed life of your parents.
My questions are these: What is so threatening about the dirty kid, picking his nose at Circle Time? You know, the one who lives in (gasp!) an apartment? How do you pick teaching as a profession, go to work in an under-privileged area for years and then decide what you did for a living isn't good enough for your own kid?
I.don't.get.it
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Friday, August 20, 2010
Interview Oops
Part of my job is to interview potential employees(who all hold advanced degrees and will be working with children), which over time I've learned is a fine art. After seeing several new hires go down the drain rather quickly, I've learned some real nuggets of wisdom. For anyone who might be interviewing soon, I hope these tips help you out.
1. Be on time (I'm fairly certain all know this one, but just in case).
2. When asked, "Is there anything else you'd like to tell us about yourself?," don't say, "Well, I got into 3 car accidents last year" and then launch into details. Turns out we were looking for accomplishments of which you might feel proud.
3. Don't call the interviewer "girlfriend" within the first three minutes of conversation. Awkward. We aren't friends and you don't have this in the bag.
4. Referring to your direct reports as "divas" is not the impression you want to give when interviewing for a management position.
5. It is suspicious to report never having a conflict with a co-worker in a 25 year job history. Really, no one is that likable. No one.
6. On the same topic, admitting that you quit a job because someone didn't agree with you might leave the interviewers suspicious of your staying power.
7. Glittery fingernails do not convey the image of responsibility, dependability or maturity. In fact, that's all the interviewer could stare at during the interview. It was that or the adjustable Hello Kitty ring on your finger that was directly out of the 50 cent gumball machine.
8. It might be a mistake to readily admit lying to parents who ask if you have kids of your own. It is a TINY bit funny that you answer "three" when really referring to your pets, but eventually the families with which you work might catch on and know you LIED.
9. Mentioning your dad (who sounds like an over-bearing asshole) about 50 times in the interview. You are a big girl now and we honestly will not tell your dad that you didn't pass that test. . . mainly because you won't be working here. But if you did, we still wouldn't tell him. .. interestingly enough, that's illegal.
10. If you hide your crazies long enough to make through the interview all the way to being hired, coming to work late everyday of the first week is a bad idea. And then when you are out watching other employees work with children, sleeping instead of observing and not washing your hands upon exiting the restroom are sure-fire ways to be lead straight out the door. When told your day is done at the job, putting your head in your hands and saying, "Why can't I ever make a job work?" doesn't make us feel sorry for you. It really only confirms a correct decision was made.
And this my friends, is gold standard advice. Turns out that the things I took for granted that everyone knew was totally, utterly wrong.
1. Be on time (I'm fairly certain all know this one, but just in case).
2. When asked, "Is there anything else you'd like to tell us about yourself?," don't say, "Well, I got into 3 car accidents last year" and then launch into details. Turns out we were looking for accomplishments of which you might feel proud.
3. Don't call the interviewer "girlfriend" within the first three minutes of conversation. Awkward. We aren't friends and you don't have this in the bag.
4. Referring to your direct reports as "divas" is not the impression you want to give when interviewing for a management position.
5. It is suspicious to report never having a conflict with a co-worker in a 25 year job history. Really, no one is that likable. No one.
6. On the same topic, admitting that you quit a job because someone didn't agree with you might leave the interviewers suspicious of your staying power.
7. Glittery fingernails do not convey the image of responsibility, dependability or maturity. In fact, that's all the interviewer could stare at during the interview. It was that or the adjustable Hello Kitty ring on your finger that was directly out of the 50 cent gumball machine.
8. It might be a mistake to readily admit lying to parents who ask if you have kids of your own. It is a TINY bit funny that you answer "three" when really referring to your pets, but eventually the families with which you work might catch on and know you LIED.
9. Mentioning your dad (who sounds like an over-bearing asshole) about 50 times in the interview. You are a big girl now and we honestly will not tell your dad that you didn't pass that test. . . mainly because you won't be working here. But if you did, we still wouldn't tell him. .. interestingly enough, that's illegal.
10. If you hide your crazies long enough to make through the interview all the way to being hired, coming to work late everyday of the first week is a bad idea. And then when you are out watching other employees work with children, sleeping instead of observing and not washing your hands upon exiting the restroom are sure-fire ways to be lead straight out the door. When told your day is done at the job, putting your head in your hands and saying, "Why can't I ever make a job work?" doesn't make us feel sorry for you. It really only confirms a correct decision was made.
And this my friends, is gold standard advice. Turns out that the things I took for granted that everyone knew was totally, utterly wrong.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Junk Food Wars
It was snacky time in our house and Monkey was demanding food. Stat. My dear, sweet husband takes out saltine crackers to feed the Monkey.
Me: Please don't give him those. . .
Husband: What's wrong with these crackers?
Me: They have no nutritional value and we have plenty of healthy snacks.
Husband: But he likes them. (He says this as if saying, anything Monkey likes, Monkey gets. This is SO not the case.)
Me: I know he does, but we've both struggled with weight. I'd rather him eat something nutritious.
Husband says nothing and returns the saltines to the pantry. Internally, I think, "I WIN!" Wrong. Out come Pop! Chips. Really?
Me: (Dramatic sigh)
Husband: What?!
Me: (Internal eye roll and dramatic sigh) Those aren't all that nutritious, either. How about some fruit?
Husband: Fine. You get him a snack.
Me: (Righteous indignation and eye roll AND internal sigh) Okay.
Internally, I scream, "I win!" This is also the man that tried to debate with me if frozen pizza is a junk food. (P.S. I won that one, too. I mean who buys a Totino's pizza for the health factor?)
Me: Please don't give him those. . .
Husband: What's wrong with these crackers?
Me: They have no nutritional value and we have plenty of healthy snacks.
Husband: But he likes them. (He says this as if saying, anything Monkey likes, Monkey gets. This is SO not the case.)
Me: I know he does, but we've both struggled with weight. I'd rather him eat something nutritious.
Husband says nothing and returns the saltines to the pantry. Internally, I think, "I WIN!" Wrong. Out come Pop! Chips. Really?
Me: (Dramatic sigh)
Husband: What?!
Me: (Internal eye roll and dramatic sigh) Those aren't all that nutritious, either. How about some fruit?
Husband: Fine. You get him a snack.
Me: (Righteous indignation and eye roll AND internal sigh) Okay.
Internally, I scream, "I win!" This is also the man that tried to debate with me if frozen pizza is a junk food. (P.S. I won that one, too. I mean who buys a Totino's pizza for the health factor?)
Monday, August 9, 2010
Questionable Stupidity
How does anyone succeed in our day-and-time without basic computer skills? And by anyone, I mean someone below the age of 50 with a Master's Degree. Astounding.
I had a new employee in my office last week asking how to complete some documentation. When I suggested she 'copy and paste' information from one screen to another, she stared at me blankly and said, "How do I do that?" Um. Are you effing kidding me? I know my face probably screamed this thought, despite my best intentions to keep the judgment quiet. I calmly suggested that she highlight the text. Blank stare. Fuck. Okay, time to back pedal even further. . . and on it went.
I'm no computer genius, I readily admit that. What I wonder, though, is how this lovely lady completed any research paper in college? Was she plunking out her thoughts by rolling in paper page-by-page in a good old-fashioned type writer? It makes me suspicion that her skill deficit is that she's stupid is a global fashion. I know this likely isn't true. I do. It's just difficult for me to find any evidence that there's an excuse for her not know how to highlight text. Really? Have you used a fucking mouse before? I was waiting for her to ask what 'click' meant. I'm pretty sure that would mean me beating my head with naked abandon on a tabletop. No hiding those feelings.
I had a new employee in my office last week asking how to complete some documentation. When I suggested she 'copy and paste' information from one screen to another, she stared at me blankly and said, "How do I do that?" Um. Are you effing kidding me? I know my face probably screamed this thought, despite my best intentions to keep the judgment quiet. I calmly suggested that she highlight the text. Blank stare. Fuck. Okay, time to back pedal even further. . . and on it went.
I'm no computer genius, I readily admit that. What I wonder, though, is how this lovely lady completed any research paper in college? Was she plunking out her thoughts by rolling in paper page-by-page in a good old-fashioned type writer? It makes me suspicion that her skill deficit is that she's stupid is a global fashion. I know this likely isn't true. I do. It's just difficult for me to find any evidence that there's an excuse for her not know how to highlight text. Really? Have you used a fucking mouse before? I was waiting for her to ask what 'click' meant. I'm pretty sure that would mean me beating my head with naked abandon on a tabletop. No hiding those feelings.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
All talk and no action. . .
Sometimes being bitchy can come back to bite me in the ass. I feel like with all the hate and disgust that I share regarding my in-laws I have to own up when they do something kind, right?
On my nicey-nice blog this week, I posted some of my insecurities especially in light of my almost-perfect sister moving though life so gracefully. Damn if my mother-in-law didn't send me the nicest-sounding email. She has all the right words. I'll let you judge for yourself:
Now you're thinking--how could this bitchy mystery-writer be so hateful to someone with such kind words? Ahem. I know it. And this, this is why my husband has mass quantities of confusion about how the hell to feel about his mother. Here's the secret: she's got the words, what she's lacking are the ACTIONS. Every time I think, oh shit, I've totally misread this situation--she really is a kind, loving mother and I've forced my husband to be alienated from his family for no good reason--I'm just hateful. Then I remind myself of the ways that his parents haven't been there and how his therapist says to run far, far away from that crazy lady and her words. While she sounds all nice and love in this email, trust me when I say she's all talk and no action. And sometimes, the talk without action just makes you want to bitch slap people because that hurts. I doesn't hurt me--I am not affected by her opinions, but damn it, it hurts my husband. Hence the desire to bitch slap. Turns out I'm all talk and no action when it comes to bitch slapping. Too bad, hmm?
On my nicey-nice blog this week, I posted some of my insecurities especially in light of my almost-perfect sister moving though life so gracefully. Damn if my mother-in-law didn't send me the nicest-sounding email. She has all the right words. I'll let you judge for yourself:
Each time I read your blog I come away loving you even more..........I admire how you are able to share your innermost feelings and thoughts so candidly. You are an amazing woman, wife and mother and I just want you to know how much I admire you, appreciate you and love you. When I go on Facebook, which isn't very often, and I see a little post you've made about loving your husband, being a mother to Monkey, and enjoying your life, I am so blessed. I think you are a beautiful woman.........you have a smile that could stop traffic and don't EVER let anyone make you feel that you don't have style...........girl...you've got it!! I wish I had HALF of your style!!!
And, I think you are an amazing mother.........I love how you would wrap Monkey in those papoose blankets and rock him and love on him..........look at what a happy little boy he is??!!! And a smile just like his mother...........
You could write a book!!! No kidding!!!
Now you're thinking--how could this bitchy mystery-writer be so hateful to someone with such kind words? Ahem. I know it. And this, this is why my husband has mass quantities of confusion about how the hell to feel about his mother. Here's the secret: she's got the words, what she's lacking are the ACTIONS. Every time I think, oh shit, I've totally misread this situation--she really is a kind, loving mother and I've forced my husband to be alienated from his family for no good reason--I'm just hateful. Then I remind myself of the ways that his parents haven't been there and how his therapist says to run far, far away from that crazy lady and her words. While she sounds all nice and love in this email, trust me when I say she's all talk and no action. And sometimes, the talk without action just makes you want to bitch slap people because that hurts. I doesn't hurt me--I am not affected by her opinions, but damn it, it hurts my husband. Hence the desire to bitch slap. Turns out I'm all talk and no action when it comes to bitch slapping. Too bad, hmm?
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Stating the Obvious
This conversation actually occured in my home today:
Me: Honey, did you wash Monkey's face after breakfast?
Hubby: Yes.
Me: Okay.
Hubby: Why?
Me: (And yes, I did have to answer. . .) Because his face is dirty.
So that wasn't the end of the of the questionable statements today. . .I tell you, it is hard to be the brain for a household.
Me(via text message:) I feel terrible. Pretty sure I have a sinus infection.
Hubby: Oh, I'm sorry honey. Go to the doctor.
Me: No need, just a cold.
Later, as I'm giving the little squirt a bath,
Hubby: So, you aren't better? You still feel bad?
Me: Well, I'm not miraculously better since 3 hours ago. . .
Hubby: That wasn't very nice, what you said just now.
Uhhh. I'm not nice? How 'bout he didn't think. . . for the second time today?
Me: Honey, did you wash Monkey's face after breakfast?
Hubby: Yes.
Me: Okay.
Hubby: Why?
Me: (And yes, I did have to answer. . .) Because his face is dirty.
So that wasn't the end of the of the questionable statements today. . .I tell you, it is hard to be the brain for a household.
Me(via text message:) I feel terrible. Pretty sure I have a sinus infection.
Hubby: Oh, I'm sorry honey. Go to the doctor.
Me: No need, just a cold.
Later, as I'm giving the little squirt a bath,
Hubby: So, you aren't better? You still feel bad?
Me: Well, I'm not miraculously better since 3 hours ago. . .
Hubby: That wasn't very nice, what you said just now.
Uhhh. I'm not nice? How 'bout he didn't think. . . for the second time today?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)